Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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