If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
