did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
