you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
