Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
