R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
