I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
