He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
