i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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