She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
ok first of all what the fuck
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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