it's too hot outside to masturbate.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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