this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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