i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
