I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
