I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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