You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
