the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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