the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
