I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
