im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
