I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
