Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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