I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
