Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
