I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
