Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
