Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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