Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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