I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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