so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
