you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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