Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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