He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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