Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
