Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
