The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
