Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Little spoons don't ask big questions
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
