i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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