Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She bit a glass in half.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
