Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
