I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
