Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
