I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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