the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
