Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
