I think my fart just growled at me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
