I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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