I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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