I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
