I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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